1. You begin every sentence with "Sah ni koo..."
2. You wear gold necklace and bracelet as thick as "tik lien" (iron
chain)(credit to John for reminding me).
2(a) You wear ten rings on each finger, and each stone on it is as big
as ostrich egg.
3. You wear "Umbrella" brand (Arnold Palmer) collar t-shirt with loud
colour horizontal stripes, and loose fitting "Camel" shorts (or is it
pants?) with two dozen pockets of varying sizes. You bought them at Ngiu
Kee just before Chinese New Year, and will last you till the next CNY,
meaning your buy new apparels once a year only.
4.You file all your documents (4-D slips, photostats copies of land titles,
"555" note book, utilities bills, unpaid invoices, football bets and
passport of your Indonesian maid) in your breast pocket till it bulges
like a gunny sack.
5. Your command of Bahasa sucks like a first class vacuum cleaner yet
you talk to your bumi friends/workers as if its your mother tongue.
Excerpts:-
-Wa punya boss Latok Lau, lu tidak tahu meh?
-apaaa.. lu olang kuak bising
-wa mau tengok lolok... mah
-saya sudah bayar leh!
-lu ada pee gee sana meh?
-kopi-o satu, jangan kuak manik oh!
6. Your command of Iban? suffice to say you only know one phrase:- "Aku
nak nemu...oh", which is enough to make your listener switch to the next
best avenue of communication ie your atrocious Bahasa
Friday, January 4, 2008
You can't call yourself a true-blue Siburian unless....
1. Your first stop upon arriving back in Sibu is to make a beeline for
Ang kow's kampua mee.
2. You have 60 friends with the names like Ah Nong or Ah Teh.
3. You consider sitting in coffee shop for 4 hours firing cannons with
Ah Nongs and Ah Tehs is not wasting time, but networking.
4. You sit down in a coffee shop and expect the waiter to remember you
order everytime, (it's "mien tai peng").
5. You whip out your tube of nose decongestant and stick it up your hairy
nostril, and leave it hanging there nonchalantly for all the world to see.
6. You sit cross-leg on the chair, picking your toe nails
intermittently, while waiting for your buddies to come.
7. One plate of kampua is not enough to whet your appitite (spelling?),
you have to take two plates.
7(a). For you, the best char mien (fried noodle) is the legendary Ah
Ngie's, unfortunately he'd kicked the bucket already. For you, Ah Ngie's
char mien is benchmark for all Sibu's char mien.
7(b). You can "gaaarg...ptuiiiiiii" anywhere you like, Sibu is a
spitter's paradise.
7(c). When you finish smoking, you flick the butt at a passing dog/cat
7(c) You hate Robert Lau till your gut spilt, yet you shake hand and
smile at him during election campaign.
8. Your car is parked only one spit away, even though it is blocking
others.
9. You consider hairs growing from facial moles as sacred and never to
be trimmed.
10. You know the country phone codes of PNG, Brazil, Solomon Island, Russia and Central Africa but don't know the one for Singapore.
11. You buy "Compact" toilet rolls by the hundreds when its super
duper cheap.
11(a) You surely have one or two relative who is still staying in "sam
pah" (forest) like Sungei Meelook, or Aleemah or whatever.
12. You pack cartons of "kompia" when you go home overseas, (or even
Kuching, like me).
Ang kow's kampua mee.
2. You have 60 friends with the names like Ah Nong or Ah Teh.
3. You consider sitting in coffee shop for 4 hours firing cannons with
Ah Nongs and Ah Tehs is not wasting time, but networking.
4. You sit down in a coffee shop and expect the waiter to remember you
order everytime, (it's "mien tai peng").
5. You whip out your tube of nose decongestant and stick it up your hairy
nostril, and leave it hanging there nonchalantly for all the world to see.
6. You sit cross-leg on the chair, picking your toe nails
intermittently, while waiting for your buddies to come.
7. One plate of kampua is not enough to whet your appitite (spelling?),
you have to take two plates.
7(a). For you, the best char mien (fried noodle) is the legendary Ah
Ngie's, unfortunately he'd kicked the bucket already. For you, Ah Ngie's
char mien is benchmark for all Sibu's char mien.
7(b). You can "gaaarg...ptuiiiiiii" anywhere you like, Sibu is a
spitter's paradise.
7(c). When you finish smoking, you flick the butt at a passing dog/cat
7(c) You hate Robert Lau till your gut spilt, yet you shake hand and
smile at him during election campaign.
8. Your car is parked only one spit away, even though it is blocking
others.
9. You consider hairs growing from facial moles as sacred and never to
be trimmed.
10. You know the country phone codes of PNG, Brazil, Solomon Island, Russia and Central Africa but don't know the one for Singapore.
11. You buy "Compact" toilet rolls by the hundreds when its super
duper cheap.
11(a) You surely have one or two relative who is still staying in "sam
pah" (forest) like Sungei Meelook, or Aleemah or whatever.
12. You pack cartons of "kompia" when you go home overseas, (or even
Kuching, like me).
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Project H45W1E: A general report
My daughter, Pauline rolled her eyeballs skyward when I suggested making a trip to Sabah, knowing my constant penchant for what she term "futile musings" she would just leave it at that, little realising this time I meant business. Is this what they call under-promise and over-deliver? Whatever.
Anyway, this was my game plan: First I squeezed Tony Fernandez until I was able to slash the transportation bill to bare-bone level. Next, for accomodation, I pulled in my Mum, to ensure free lodging at her sister's (my aunt)house. Next my niece, Joanne, whose constant snail mail pen-pal contact with my aunt's grand daughter Daffodil, provided a valid excuse to "pay her a visit". Ingenious eh! Mind you, I only share this brilliant idea codename :H45W1E "Holiday For Five With One Excuse", with whoever reads this, and lucky you!
Tension mounted as the Boeing landed on the Kota Kinabalu International Airport. Finally at the exit of the arrival hall, the two pint-size pen-pals met for the first time. Shy glances, sheepish grins as the two girls shook hands. They did'nt even talk in the car on the way home. What a difference from the union of the crying North and South Korean siblings long separated, as seen on TV. But within five days these two girls were to bond like super-glue and inseparable like Siamese twins.
For the next 5 days, we were treated to the whole gamut of Sabah's culinary delights ranging from the legendary Yew Kee Bah Kut Teh, to the to-die-for sea food and exquisite dim sum. We were chauffered here and there to ogle at the sights of the city, which in nearly ten years since I left, had morphed into a thriving and lively city with many new places and high rise buildings.
We also took a choppy ride in a speed boat to Manukan island and the sight of the multicolour fishes simply blew us away! My daughter and the two little terrors (by now) just squealed and shriek their ponytails off. The weather was just perfect for getting a sunburn, so, not wanting to be roasted like a suckling piglet, I decided to join my sister (Joanne's mum) under the shade. Alas, it was not to be. My toothless Sabah niece thrushed a mass of uninflated rubber dinghy at me and smiled. Actually she wasnt toothless, at age seven, she was in the process of dropping off her milk teeth, and they were like the Great White's row of teeth, sharp, serrated and evilly tinged with black plaque or whatever. Damn, I should have taken a close-up of her smile and exhibit them here for posterity.
Anyway, back to the rubber dinghy. So I asked her whether she brought along an air pump. What air pump? Oh oh! I sized up the mass of crumpled rubber and reckoned it must have meant blowing up 30 - 50 good sized balloons, and she was impatient! I must have taken about 15 minutes to fully inflate it, by then I was so friggin' groggy I must have tottered out of the shade and was able to see stars even in the bright sunlight! With my head still spinning as a result of siphoning my body's oxygen to the rubber boat, the squealing threesome of Pauline, Joanne and Daffodil rushed headlong into the warm, South China Sea with their inflated dinghy.
We also drove all the way to the Kinabalu National Park. Mountains have always fascinate me and one of the unforgettable sights of Mount Kinabalu (even though I have been here several times, but not to the peak) is this massive massif looming up in front of you as you get nearer and nearer, four majestic kilometres high, of craggy blueish tinge, sometimes wisps of clouds sweeping by. There are also "waterfalls" running down its gullies, bare rocks and forested fringe. For a guy who spend two scores of his life in pancake-flat Sibu, the word to describe this sight is spelt A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Frankly I dont know how I'd feel if I were to stand atop Low's Peak, I'd probably freaking pass out.
We passed by Kundasang, a quiant little market town with stalls alongside the main road hawking vegetables, fruits and tourist trinkets. However the multitudes of flies there make their presence there in a most disgusting manner, landing atop all the food. There is a nice resort, The Kinabalu Pine Resort is worth an overnight stay. I stayed there once with a few buddies many years ago. I remember vividly, in the evening, as the sun set, you sit on the balcony in an easy chair with the massive forlorn face of Mt Kinabalu looking at you, quietly, mysteriously. I tell you, you suddenly feel you become a wiser man/woman (though only for an evening). Let me recap. Cost of petrol to Mt. Kinabalu RM55. Cost of a double room at Kinabalu Pine Resort RM150. Cost of becoming a wise man after a close-up look at Mt Kinabalu : Priceless.
Dining in Kota Kinabalu can be a very intimate experience. I know because I was working here for one and a half years. I have came to love what the local call "kon-low meen", Sabah's answer to Sarawak's kolo mee, the kaya roti kahwin, the dim sum at Luyang (esp the chee cheong fun), Wei Ya Chicken rice (near Wisma Merdeka) and Gaya Street's Bah Kut Teh, my perrenial favourite. Kuching's laksa is also sold here, and I've tasted it too, but sorry, I have to reserve that compliment to good ol' Kuching. We ate at air con restaurants and open air sea food restaurants and despite the myth about costly eating out in Sabah, it was actually quite cheap. For slightly over a hundred ringgit, our entourage of 10 were burping and happy like Dagwood Bumpstead, granted half our group are kiddies. Of course there are time when it cost more. We almost tried the famous Saturday/Sunday brunch buffet at the Promenade (RM45.00), but it was solidly booked out even though we call out a day earlier to book.
The Damai area Roti Kawin needs a special mention here. We were coasting around the area at 2pm on a Saturday afternoon. Daffodil's dad, Jackie said, if do not try the roti there, its like not visiting KK at all!!! Wow, strong words indeed. What's so kick-ass delicious about this outlet's roti kawin. I worked in KK for so long and never heard of this place. Jackie told me it was only famous just about nine years ago, mmmm....that explained how it escape my tastebuds. Anyway, when we arrived at the place, my jaw dropped (again). It was total mayhem, the sea of humanity jostling to get a piece of the action. We had to stand next to a table with a couple who were munching their bread nonchalantly, oblivious to the shouting of the waiters and our glances. There was only standing room and not much place to move about. Hey, I've heard of coffee shop with good business, but this is ridiculous! Having to stand and waiting to pounce on a just-vacated table like playing musical chair. Boy, this roti kahwin better be good or I'm going to ask for refund. I dont know whether I was hungry that afternoon, but I found myself wolfing down several "sets" of the roti (one set is a rectangle of two pieces cut diagonally, swiped with sinfully sweet and flagrant kaya, and two thick slabs of frozen butter). As you sink your teeth into its soft and springy textured bread, muuuuunch sloooowly, and take a sip of your glass of teh-c (EVERYBODY order teh-c here, the best there is by far), all distractions and noise just disappeared. Which explained why patrons here have this out-of-the-world look on their face and lost all civility and courtesy in giving their seats to those waiting even though they'd finished eating. By the way if you do pass by this way, order the plain untoasted roti kahwin, not the toasted ones. As for the rest of the culinary stories, like the bah kut teh, please remind me to relate it another time, as this manner of describing food make me a bit giddy.
All good things must come to an end. So it was that day Sunday, as we packed and set off for our last breakfast together with my aunt, her daughter (my cousin), her hubby and three kids, and we five Kuching tourists (sort that out yourself). It was a cloudy morning and cool as we ate breakfast. How lucky we were, while my wife and my elder daughter were languishing in the miserable wet weather of London, swallowing mash potato and fish and chips, we were having a gastronomical feast here. Hahaha! Actually my wife was accompanying my elder daughter to "shop" for a suitable university for her Master's Degree. Like we in the phone business are so used to hear customers say, "survey dulu".
At the departure lounge, the Siamese twins had to be separated at last, and strangely they were quiet again, like when they first met, while Pauline looked on bemused as she was not a party to this kiddie bonhomie, being of different age group. Anyway it really amazed me that kids too can have such intense love for each other when they choose to. But separate they must, and this time the long lost Korean siblings analogy gets played again, except the kids are quiet and quite controlled of their emotion. My mum hugged her sister, there was no tears but I felt they wept in their heart. Orientals are not suppose to display affection publicly.
Anyway, this was my game plan: First I squeezed Tony Fernandez until I was able to slash the transportation bill to bare-bone level. Next, for accomodation, I pulled in my Mum, to ensure free lodging at her sister's (my aunt)house. Next my niece, Joanne, whose constant snail mail pen-pal contact with my aunt's grand daughter Daffodil, provided a valid excuse to "pay her a visit". Ingenious eh! Mind you, I only share this brilliant idea codename :H45W1E "Holiday For Five With One Excuse", with whoever reads this, and lucky you!
Tension mounted as the Boeing landed on the Kota Kinabalu International Airport. Finally at the exit of the arrival hall, the two pint-size pen-pals met for the first time. Shy glances, sheepish grins as the two girls shook hands. They did'nt even talk in the car on the way home. What a difference from the union of the crying North and South Korean siblings long separated, as seen on TV. But within five days these two girls were to bond like super-glue and inseparable like Siamese twins.
For the next 5 days, we were treated to the whole gamut of Sabah's culinary delights ranging from the legendary Yew Kee Bah Kut Teh, to the to-die-for sea food and exquisite dim sum. We were chauffered here and there to ogle at the sights of the city, which in nearly ten years since I left, had morphed into a thriving and lively city with many new places and high rise buildings.
We also took a choppy ride in a speed boat to Manukan island and the sight of the multicolour fishes simply blew us away! My daughter and the two little terrors (by now) just squealed and shriek their ponytails off. The weather was just perfect for getting a sunburn, so, not wanting to be roasted like a suckling piglet, I decided to join my sister (Joanne's mum) under the shade. Alas, it was not to be. My toothless Sabah niece thrushed a mass of uninflated rubber dinghy at me and smiled. Actually she wasnt toothless, at age seven, she was in the process of dropping off her milk teeth, and they were like the Great White's row of teeth, sharp, serrated and evilly tinged with black plaque or whatever. Damn, I should have taken a close-up of her smile and exhibit them here for posterity.
Anyway, back to the rubber dinghy. So I asked her whether she brought along an air pump. What air pump? Oh oh! I sized up the mass of crumpled rubber and reckoned it must have meant blowing up 30 - 50 good sized balloons, and she was impatient! I must have taken about 15 minutes to fully inflate it, by then I was so friggin' groggy I must have tottered out of the shade and was able to see stars even in the bright sunlight! With my head still spinning as a result of siphoning my body's oxygen to the rubber boat, the squealing threesome of Pauline, Joanne and Daffodil rushed headlong into the warm, South China Sea with their inflated dinghy.
We also drove all the way to the Kinabalu National Park. Mountains have always fascinate me and one of the unforgettable sights of Mount Kinabalu (even though I have been here several times, but not to the peak) is this massive massif looming up in front of you as you get nearer and nearer, four majestic kilometres high, of craggy blueish tinge, sometimes wisps of clouds sweeping by. There are also "waterfalls" running down its gullies, bare rocks and forested fringe. For a guy who spend two scores of his life in pancake-flat Sibu, the word to describe this sight is spelt A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Frankly I dont know how I'd feel if I were to stand atop Low's Peak, I'd probably freaking pass out.
We passed by Kundasang, a quiant little market town with stalls alongside the main road hawking vegetables, fruits and tourist trinkets. However the multitudes of flies there make their presence there in a most disgusting manner, landing atop all the food. There is a nice resort, The Kinabalu Pine Resort is worth an overnight stay. I stayed there once with a few buddies many years ago. I remember vividly, in the evening, as the sun set, you sit on the balcony in an easy chair with the massive forlorn face of Mt Kinabalu looking at you, quietly, mysteriously. I tell you, you suddenly feel you become a wiser man/woman (though only for an evening). Let me recap. Cost of petrol to Mt. Kinabalu RM55. Cost of a double room at Kinabalu Pine Resort RM150. Cost of becoming a wise man after a close-up look at Mt Kinabalu : Priceless.
Dining in Kota Kinabalu can be a very intimate experience. I know because I was working here for one and a half years. I have came to love what the local call "kon-low meen", Sabah's answer to Sarawak's kolo mee, the kaya roti kahwin, the dim sum at Luyang (esp the chee cheong fun), Wei Ya Chicken rice (near Wisma Merdeka) and Gaya Street's Bah Kut Teh, my perrenial favourite. Kuching's laksa is also sold here, and I've tasted it too, but sorry, I have to reserve that compliment to good ol' Kuching. We ate at air con restaurants and open air sea food restaurants and despite the myth about costly eating out in Sabah, it was actually quite cheap. For slightly over a hundred ringgit, our entourage of 10 were burping and happy like Dagwood Bumpstead, granted half our group are kiddies. Of course there are time when it cost more. We almost tried the famous Saturday/Sunday brunch buffet at the Promenade (RM45.00), but it was solidly booked out even though we call out a day earlier to book.
The Damai area Roti Kawin needs a special mention here. We were coasting around the area at 2pm on a Saturday afternoon. Daffodil's dad, Jackie said, if do not try the roti there, its like not visiting KK at all!!! Wow, strong words indeed. What's so kick-ass delicious about this outlet's roti kawin. I worked in KK for so long and never heard of this place. Jackie told me it was only famous just about nine years ago, mmmm....that explained how it escape my tastebuds. Anyway, when we arrived at the place, my jaw dropped (again). It was total mayhem, the sea of humanity jostling to get a piece of the action. We had to stand next to a table with a couple who were munching their bread nonchalantly, oblivious to the shouting of the waiters and our glances. There was only standing room and not much place to move about. Hey, I've heard of coffee shop with good business, but this is ridiculous! Having to stand and waiting to pounce on a just-vacated table like playing musical chair. Boy, this roti kahwin better be good or I'm going to ask for refund. I dont know whether I was hungry that afternoon, but I found myself wolfing down several "sets" of the roti (one set is a rectangle of two pieces cut diagonally, swiped with sinfully sweet and flagrant kaya, and two thick slabs of frozen butter). As you sink your teeth into its soft and springy textured bread, muuuuunch sloooowly, and take a sip of your glass of teh-c (EVERYBODY order teh-c here, the best there is by far), all distractions and noise just disappeared. Which explained why patrons here have this out-of-the-world look on their face and lost all civility and courtesy in giving their seats to those waiting even though they'd finished eating. By the way if you do pass by this way, order the plain untoasted roti kahwin, not the toasted ones. As for the rest of the culinary stories, like the bah kut teh, please remind me to relate it another time, as this manner of describing food make me a bit giddy.
All good things must come to an end. So it was that day Sunday, as we packed and set off for our last breakfast together with my aunt, her daughter (my cousin), her hubby and three kids, and we five Kuching tourists (sort that out yourself). It was a cloudy morning and cool as we ate breakfast. How lucky we were, while my wife and my elder daughter were languishing in the miserable wet weather of London, swallowing mash potato and fish and chips, we were having a gastronomical feast here. Hahaha! Actually my wife was accompanying my elder daughter to "shop" for a suitable university for her Master's Degree. Like we in the phone business are so used to hear customers say, "survey dulu".
At the departure lounge, the Siamese twins had to be separated at last, and strangely they were quiet again, like when they first met, while Pauline looked on bemused as she was not a party to this kiddie bonhomie, being of different age group. Anyway it really amazed me that kids too can have such intense love for each other when they choose to. But separate they must, and this time the long lost Korean siblings analogy gets played again, except the kids are quiet and quite controlled of their emotion. My mum hugged her sister, there was no tears but I felt they wept in their heart. Orientals are not suppose to display affection publicly.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
You know you are a true Kuchingite when......
You know you are a true Kuchingite when...
1. Your most important decision on waking up in the morning is to decide which coffee shop or food court to take your breakfast.
2. You eat out 7 days a week, three times a day.
3. You have at least 150 friends or relative who operate coffee shops and food courts. As for stall hawkers, you lost count.
4. You have at least 5 favourtie laksa stalls, 7 kolo mee, 2 kueh chap stalls and ONE beef noodle stall, ie Ah Mui mee sapi, at the Open Air Market.
7. You go nuts if you don't get your fix of kolo mee or laksa at least five times a week.
5. You think nothing of driving 10 miles out to check out a new food court, but pull a long face when your wife ask to to buy baby milk powder at the neighbourhood sundry store.
6.You fill up your suitcase with your children's favourite instant noodle when visiting them overseas.
7.You also pack so much belacan that a nyonya would cry with joy on seeing them.
8. You request the waiter for plastic bag to ta pau your unfinished food in a restaurant.
9.When it comes to tipping, er....sorry...what tipping?
10. While waiting for your change at the payment counter and excavating your teeth with the toothpick, you ask the cashier how much is the rental per month of this restaurant.
11. You greet your Foochow friends with "Chin ku long mo kang ngieng oh*, kaliu, kaliu", even though you saw him only yesterday.
8. You do your major grocery shopping only on Friday, the price-war-day between the supermarkets.
9. You get your mother-in-law, your father-in-law to tag along to buy toilet rolls (super duper cheap but limited to two packets per person), then buy them lunch/dinner at HongKong Noodle House.
10. You balk and rant at the cashier at the petrol station because she told you she ran out of contest forms you are entitled to for filling up there.
11. You tell her you'd come back for it the next day, and you actually do so, even though its a 10-mile detour.
12. You think nothing of camping outside the entrance of the about-to-open shopping malls for their opening ceremony, even though it is a six-hour wait.
13. You bring your whole family to the airport 5 hours before the plane arrives to pick up a family member, just to enjoy the aircon. The kids just love running around on the smooth floor and wide space, and you don't even have to change your clothes, ie you wear your pyjama and flip flops, or singlet with cotton shorts.
14. When you double park, it is okay. But when other people do so, you curse and swear.
15. Your Kancil always take up two parking spaces, that is alright because you are just parking for 5 hours only not the whole day.
16. You give "Premier" brand tissue paper free advertsing by displaying the tissue box on your rear window.
17. You display the dolls of the Forteen Dwarfs (two sets) on your Kancil's rear window, together with several cushions and a hanging Garfield, two spiderman, and several species of orangutans and perhaps a koala bear too. And oh, a bumper sticker too (See below).
18.You put up Kuching's best selling (perhaps the only) car bumper sticker "Baby on Board". (Bumper stickers I'd like to see "NO baby on board, and proud of it" or "Hot babe on board")
1. Your most important decision on waking up in the morning is to decide which coffee shop or food court to take your breakfast.
2. You eat out 7 days a week, three times a day.
3. You have at least 150 friends or relative who operate coffee shops and food courts. As for stall hawkers, you lost count.
4. You have at least 5 favourtie laksa stalls, 7 kolo mee, 2 kueh chap stalls and ONE beef noodle stall, ie Ah Mui mee sapi, at the Open Air Market.
7. You go nuts if you don't get your fix of kolo mee or laksa at least five times a week.
5. You think nothing of driving 10 miles out to check out a new food court, but pull a long face when your wife ask to to buy baby milk powder at the neighbourhood sundry store.
6.You fill up your suitcase with your children's favourite instant noodle when visiting them overseas.
7.You also pack so much belacan that a nyonya would cry with joy on seeing them.
8. You request the waiter for plastic bag to ta pau your unfinished food in a restaurant.
9.When it comes to tipping, er....sorry...what tipping?
10. While waiting for your change at the payment counter and excavating your teeth with the toothpick, you ask the cashier how much is the rental per month of this restaurant.
11. You greet your Foochow friends with "Chin ku long mo kang ngieng oh*, kaliu, kaliu", even though you saw him only yesterday.
8. You do your major grocery shopping only on Friday, the price-war-day between the supermarkets.
9. You get your mother-in-law, your father-in-law to tag along to buy toilet rolls (super duper cheap but limited to two packets per person), then buy them lunch/dinner at HongKong Noodle House.
10. You balk and rant at the cashier at the petrol station because she told you she ran out of contest forms you are entitled to for filling up there.
11. You tell her you'd come back for it the next day, and you actually do so, even though its a 10-mile detour.
12. You think nothing of camping outside the entrance of the about-to-open shopping malls for their opening ceremony, even though it is a six-hour wait.
13. You bring your whole family to the airport 5 hours before the plane arrives to pick up a family member, just to enjoy the aircon. The kids just love running around on the smooth floor and wide space, and you don't even have to change your clothes, ie you wear your pyjama and flip flops, or singlet with cotton shorts.
14. When you double park, it is okay. But when other people do so, you curse and swear.
15. Your Kancil always take up two parking spaces, that is alright because you are just parking for 5 hours only not the whole day.
16. You give "Premier" brand tissue paper free advertsing by displaying the tissue box on your rear window.
17. You display the dolls of the Forteen Dwarfs (two sets) on your Kancil's rear window, together with several cushions and a hanging Garfield, two spiderman, and several species of orangutans and perhaps a koala bear too. And oh, a bumper sticker too (See below).
18.You put up Kuching's best selling (perhaps the only) car bumper sticker "Baby on Board". (Bumper stickers I'd like to see "NO baby on board, and proud of it" or "Hot babe on board")
Friday, November 23, 2007
My first foray in eBay
Have you ever bought a 4-D ticket and while eagerly checking the result with bated breath, it turned out you miss the first prize by just one digit, or the permutation is wrong? Yeah, I can hear you, curses and damnation and all the sundry expletives. Now imagine the reverse. You are about to call your remisier to buy 50 lots on XYZ company, but did'nt because your phone battery was flat and next day the market melt like butter in an oven. Phew! Was'nt that close?
Who has'nt ever had a bad hair day? Just when I was about to throw in the towel on how to make money in the internet than another of those cyber opportunity presents itself before me in the form of eBay. Now I've known this auction site quite some time already and had in fact bought a book from it a few months back, but selling something there? Nope. But I had this used phone, a Nokia 9300i, a to-die-for gizmo only one year old. Toting this beauty in Starbuck Cafe is as cool as you can get, you savour the pleasure of looking at the swooning yuppies crowd from the corner of your eyes as they "oooh" and "aaah" when you whip it out from your briefcase and set it up next to your cappucino and start typing away (remind me of whispering sweet nothing in my g/f's ears) and with a serious look on your face as your furrows grow deeper and deeper.
Alas, this thingy had seen better days as I fondled its keypads and its smooth exterior. I may have to leave you, darling. For in the course of a conversation with a friend suggested disposing it off in eBay. It was like a bolt of lightning, (to exaggerate a bit). Yeah, why not, I told myself. And thus began another chapter in my journey to make money on the internet.
As a newbie seller, I had no experience at all in cyber selling. Hence I had enlist the help of my good friend, Jourdan, an up-and-coming eBay seller with an impeccable record of 100% positive feedback, to piggyback his place for the sale. After the necessary photo shoots and write-up, it was posted in eBay. And know what? In less than 24 hours there was a bidder. Hey, to a newbie like me, that's a pretty big milestone, okay? RM699.00! Wow, that's better than selling it off as scrap iron or ending up as an antique for my great-great grandson.
The next few days saw me hitting the eBay sites almost every hour to check on the status, expecting an avalanche of bidders. Alas, bidder #1 stood alone in the field for several days. Maybe some bidders only move in for the kill at the last minutes, I consoled myself. Suddenly one afternoon Jourdan called excitedly and told me there is another bidder and its upped to RM800 !!! A jump of RM100 ringgit! Cool! I knew I could sell this phone easily. Now thing's gonna get interesting, as I hunkered down for more action as the clock started ticking.....24 hours.....12 hours.....c'mon, some more bidding, please...6 hours, now for some fireworks.....3 hours.....2 hours....1 hour...pffffffttttttt.
No counterbid from #1 either!!! Oh well, at least I got a good price, trying to mitigate the gloomy atmosphere, I called up Jourdan to solicit some sympathy. Turn out he was disappointed too. Anyway, he had to get down to work. First thing is to email the winning bidder and set up an initial contact. And know what? She was all the way form California! Cool! Maybe she's a black R&B singer, or a foxy career lady, or a hot babe form UCLA...gosh, what was I thinking!!!
Soon enough, she replied! She's an American working in England and she wanted to buy it for her son in Nigeria. Super cool!!! My first eBay sales has taken me to the realm of international trade. Who says international trade are for the big boys? Jourdan was excited too. But much works need to be done: Call up the courier people on the tariff, polish up the phone, get the accessories ready and get the original box if possible, the packing, etc etc. We want to look professional! After all Jourdan has a reputation to keep. More emails ensued.
Now we came to the nitty gritty. How to effect payment and also to ensure protection of the buyer. Madam USA told us that she'd bank in London's Standard Chartered Bank and the bank will forward a email to me informing us of the successful bank in. And the bank will release the money to our bank account once our documents from the courier company is faxed to her. Hmmm... fair enough. After all, its Standard Chartered Bank, not ABC Rojak Bank.
Soon enough, an email arrived from a Ken Cooper, an official from the Stanchart Bank congratulating us on the successful deal, with logo of Stanchart emblazoned boldly on the banner. It was really impressive. But one thing didnt seem right, I told Jourdan. This lady bid RM800 and was willing to foot the hefty courier bill of almost RM400, making my used Nokia 9300 costing almost RM1,200 !!! The price of a brand new set! I know the love of a mother for her son knows no bound but this fly in the face of logic. The 9300i may be a real cool gadget, but for that price, a plethora of much more glittering models are on display in the showcase everywhere.
Maybe that kid is a spoilt brat, or he has a fetish for 9300i, which in its heyday actually attained cult status of sorts. Maybe, maybes. Oh what the heck, let's just send it, I told Jourdan.
Now about this Jourdan dude, I have to digress a bit here, it would be quite an understatement to say he's net savvy. Having been hooked to the net since 1995 (?) this make him quite a grandpa netizen. He's got websites, he's got blogs, he's into eBay, he's into making real money in the internet, yep, that too! He's a been-there-done-that guy. So when a situation like that is presented before him, he kind of smell a rat, so to speak.
So he told me he was going to do some Sherlock Holmes works first to check on the authenticity of this foxy lady. I dont how he did it, but he did it. Soon enough, Jourdan called in again. "Hold your horse, buddy" he said "Foxy lady is a fraudster!". I was at home already, in the kitchen, one hand with a spatula and the other a frying pan trying to cook dinner for my grumbling daughter and my niece. Luckily only the spatula and my jaw dropped. "What?" I shrieked, "that scumbag, slimeball, @#$%^&*!!". Jourdan had actually called up Standchart in London, and was advised by them that there is such a scam now being perpetrated by unscrupulous people in eBay, and told us not to entertain them.
Bump! In one stroke, my international business came crashing down to earth. "Hello?...James, are you okay?" Jourdan sounded worried. I resumed my composure. "Yeah, no problem, we'll talk later, okay?". Click.
So there you go. My cyber adventure, chapter two. But I'm happy really, like when my battery went flat when I was about to call my remisier to place 50 lots and the market melted the next day, remember? What do they call that? A blessing in disguise? Whatever. But you will not hear the last of me, Mr. Internet, I'm going to get you one day.
Who has'nt ever had a bad hair day? Just when I was about to throw in the towel on how to make money in the internet than another of those cyber opportunity presents itself before me in the form of eBay. Now I've known this auction site quite some time already and had in fact bought a book from it a few months back, but selling something there? Nope. But I had this used phone, a Nokia 9300i, a to-die-for gizmo only one year old. Toting this beauty in Starbuck Cafe is as cool as you can get, you savour the pleasure of looking at the swooning yuppies crowd from the corner of your eyes as they "oooh" and "aaah" when you whip it out from your briefcase and set it up next to your cappucino and start typing away (remind me of whispering sweet nothing in my g/f's ears) and with a serious look on your face as your furrows grow deeper and deeper.
Alas, this thingy had seen better days as I fondled its keypads and its smooth exterior. I may have to leave you, darling. For in the course of a conversation with a friend suggested disposing it off in eBay. It was like a bolt of lightning, (to exaggerate a bit). Yeah, why not, I told myself. And thus began another chapter in my journey to make money on the internet.
As a newbie seller, I had no experience at all in cyber selling. Hence I had enlist the help of my good friend, Jourdan, an up-and-coming eBay seller with an impeccable record of 100% positive feedback, to piggyback his place for the sale. After the necessary photo shoots and write-up, it was posted in eBay. And know what? In less than 24 hours there was a bidder. Hey, to a newbie like me, that's a pretty big milestone, okay? RM699.00! Wow, that's better than selling it off as scrap iron or ending up as an antique for my great-great grandson.
The next few days saw me hitting the eBay sites almost every hour to check on the status, expecting an avalanche of bidders. Alas, bidder #1 stood alone in the field for several days. Maybe some bidders only move in for the kill at the last minutes, I consoled myself. Suddenly one afternoon Jourdan called excitedly and told me there is another bidder and its upped to RM800 !!! A jump of RM100 ringgit! Cool! I knew I could sell this phone easily. Now thing's gonna get interesting, as I hunkered down for more action as the clock started ticking.....24 hours.....12 hours.....c'mon, some more bidding, please...6 hours, now for some fireworks.....3 hours.....2 hours....1 hour...pffffffttttttt.
No counterbid from #1 either!!! Oh well, at least I got a good price, trying to mitigate the gloomy atmosphere, I called up Jourdan to solicit some sympathy. Turn out he was disappointed too. Anyway, he had to get down to work. First thing is to email the winning bidder and set up an initial contact. And know what? She was all the way form California! Cool! Maybe she's a black R&B singer, or a foxy career lady, or a hot babe form UCLA...gosh, what was I thinking!!!
Soon enough, she replied! She's an American working in England and she wanted to buy it for her son in Nigeria. Super cool!!! My first eBay sales has taken me to the realm of international trade. Who says international trade are for the big boys? Jourdan was excited too. But much works need to be done: Call up the courier people on the tariff, polish up the phone, get the accessories ready and get the original box if possible, the packing, etc etc. We want to look professional! After all Jourdan has a reputation to keep. More emails ensued.
Now we came to the nitty gritty. How to effect payment and also to ensure protection of the buyer. Madam USA told us that she'd bank in London's Standard Chartered Bank and the bank will forward a email to me informing us of the successful bank in. And the bank will release the money to our bank account once our documents from the courier company is faxed to her. Hmmm... fair enough. After all, its Standard Chartered Bank, not ABC Rojak Bank.
Soon enough, an email arrived from a Ken Cooper, an official from the Stanchart Bank congratulating us on the successful deal, with logo of Stanchart emblazoned boldly on the banner. It was really impressive. But one thing didnt seem right, I told Jourdan. This lady bid RM800 and was willing to foot the hefty courier bill of almost RM400, making my used Nokia 9300 costing almost RM1,200 !!! The price of a brand new set! I know the love of a mother for her son knows no bound but this fly in the face of logic. The 9300i may be a real cool gadget, but for that price, a plethora of much more glittering models are on display in the showcase everywhere.
Maybe that kid is a spoilt brat, or he has a fetish for 9300i, which in its heyday actually attained cult status of sorts. Maybe, maybes. Oh what the heck, let's just send it, I told Jourdan.
Now about this Jourdan dude, I have to digress a bit here, it would be quite an understatement to say he's net savvy. Having been hooked to the net since 1995 (?) this make him quite a grandpa netizen. He's got websites, he's got blogs, he's into eBay, he's into making real money in the internet, yep, that too! He's a been-there-done-that guy. So when a situation like that is presented before him, he kind of smell a rat, so to speak.
So he told me he was going to do some Sherlock Holmes works first to check on the authenticity of this foxy lady. I dont how he did it, but he did it. Soon enough, Jourdan called in again. "Hold your horse, buddy" he said "Foxy lady is a fraudster!". I was at home already, in the kitchen, one hand with a spatula and the other a frying pan trying to cook dinner for my grumbling daughter and my niece. Luckily only the spatula and my jaw dropped. "What?" I shrieked, "that scumbag, slimeball, @#$%^&*!!". Jourdan had actually called up Standchart in London, and was advised by them that there is such a scam now being perpetrated by unscrupulous people in eBay, and told us not to entertain them.
Bump! In one stroke, my international business came crashing down to earth. "Hello?...James, are you okay?" Jourdan sounded worried. I resumed my composure. "Yeah, no problem, we'll talk later, okay?". Click.
So there you go. My cyber adventure, chapter two. But I'm happy really, like when my battery went flat when I was about to call my remisier to place 50 lots and the market melted the next day, remember? What do they call that? A blessing in disguise? Whatever. But you will not hear the last of me, Mr. Internet, I'm going to get you one day.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The bitch
I dont know when she turned up at my driveway, but this mongrel had been around my neighbourhood for quite some time already, together with two other bitches. Of course I know they're bitches as I can see the row of pendulous nipples dangling when they walk. And the males are easy to spot too, besides the absence of the mammary glands, their sex is determined by the wildly swinging balls knocking at each other at the rear when they're chasing after cars out of boredom.
One day, my niece, who lives just a shout away, ran excitedly to me saying that a bitch had given birth to three puppies somewhere under the tree in a padang near our house. Oh oh.... I thought, I neednt be a mind reader to decipher her intention. She was going to keep one of the puppy, and Zidan, her classmate living next door (father must be a football nut or a bookie) was to keep the other two.Normally I wont give two hoots to such petty pursuit, but the last time her pet rabbit, and a big fat one too, was ran over by a car when it escaped, I had the grisly job of disposing the carcass, beside cajoling her (my niece) not to cry, without much success. In desperation, I said "Alright, we'll get a puppy for you...."before I finished the sentence, she looked up wide-eyed, grinningly asked "when?"I groaned and "erm...we'll see". That, to a ten-year-old means "Yay! definitely we will be getting a puppy very soon". Sigh....the price one pays for being a favourite uncle.
And so there it was, a whining, whimpering little mass of white furry ball, hardly able to walk and peeing every two seconds onto the floor, pillow, newpapers and goodness knows what next. And worse, I had to drive to the neighbouring sundry store to buy a baby feeding bottle for that critter! And pronto! Wild thoughts must be racing through the minds of the shop cashier, Did his wife just gave birth? But her tummy was flat when I saw her last week? Or heaven forbid: He's a grandfather now? Sheepishly I paid and hurried out amidst what I percieved to be stifled sniggers behind me. Sigh... the things I do for love.
Mercifully, I was spared the chores of feeding the little thing and cleaning up the poop and what nots.
Days passed and the christianing of the puppy had my niece and her mother, my sister, arguing what to call the little bitch. Lobby? Whiskey? Lassie? Aaargh, what a headache! Why dont you just google "names for dogs" I told my niece, Joanne. Don't bother, my sister cut in, just call her "Snowball" And that was it.
By now, Snowball is three months old already, and I'm beginning to like her. Whenever I visit them after work, I just walk over to them and Snowball would leap and lick at me like crazy. If only my wife were so ecstatic on seeing me coming home, I thought. Anyway, being welcomed in such a joyful way can make a stress-out man happy, no? No wonder people in stress prone city keep pets, its really therapeutic.
I know, I should be putting up Snowball's photos up here, but regretably I havent shot her.... err, I mean taken a photograph of her. But its definitely coming up. You're gonna love it. Wait, I'd do better than that, I'll put it in youtube for you folks to enjoy (my way of baiting you guys to visit my blogspot mah!)
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