Saturday, August 2, 2008

10 Most Preposterous Headlines I'd like to read

1. Sarkozy embraces Islam
Ending months of speculation, President Nicolas Sarkozy of France finally made the announcement with his two burqa-clad wives standing beside him. At the Charles de Gaulle Airport before boarding an official Air France airliner for Mecca to perform the Haj, Sarkozy announced his new found faith and did not hide the fact that he was influenced by his two spouses, believe to be of French-Moroccan descents. He also said that one day, he hope France will become an Islamic Republic as the Muslim population has already exceeded half, a fact that had been kept under wrap by the census board for many years already.

2. Coup: Clinton seizes power, declared herself President
Vice President Hillary Clinton seizes power in a bloodless coup early this morning. President Obama evades arrest and escaped to the Bahamas in a military helicopter. In a move that was to forever change the face of American history, Vice President Hillary Clinton with the help of the US Army top brass swooped in with tanks and elite troops of the 101st Airborne Division surrounding the White House. However bodyguards loyal to President Obama were able to whisk him and his family to a waiting helicopter and escaped into the chill of the early morning. A few gunshots were heard in the compound of the White House, presumably between the rebels and the loyalists but there was no report of casualties. At press time, it is learnt that Obama had flew to the Bahamas to set up a government-in-exile.

3. Secret DNA test proves Angela Merkel is Hitler's daughter
Did Adolf Hitler sire any offspring? This intriguing poser was finally answered when Chancellor Angela Merkel agreed to a DNA test to match her genes with a known Hitler's living first cousin, 93 years old Magritte Hopfgardner. The test was to be done on the condition that it must be kept secret and irrespective of the result. As it turned out, the result was positive. However the laboratory technician defied his superior's order and sold the story for 2 million euros to a German tabloid, the Bild.

4. Texas declares independence
The fiercely parochial state of Texas had long been famous for its independent streak, and Texans are perpetually thumbing their noses at Washington for mistreatments, real or perceived. Taking the advantages while the White House faced the turrets of tanks from forces loyal to Hillary Clinton, The Texas governor flew the Lone Star flag from the rostrum of the Houston Astrodome, proudly announced the birth of Republic of Texas, and inspects a guard of honour manned by the newly formed Texas Revolutionary Army. The ceremony ended with shouts of “Remember the Alamo!” At press time, it was learnt that the states of Mississippi, Missouri and Georgia were also contemplating the same move.

5. China wins FIFA 2016 World Cup
Knowing that their country will never win the soccer world's most coveted cup if every game were to be played by the book, the FA of China concocted a plan to snatch the Cup on the sly. A reward of 1 billion dollars was subtly dangled before the 5 top honchos of FIFA, and they took the bait. The five man team swung into action, devising a most complex plan, which includes rigging draws to put China into easy groups, and fixing prequalification matches and even outright bribery. But before the plot could be brought to full hatchery, a disgruntled member, presumably being shortchanged on the payout, blew the whistle and exposed the whole scandal to The Sun for… you guess it… an undisclosed fee rumoured to be in the millions pounds.

6. Ahmadinejad sets condition for abandoning nuclear programme: Hold Olympics in Iran.
In a desperate attempt to shore up his plunging popularity, President Ahmadinejad has done it again. This time, the charismatic leader, who over the years claimed to have built up a yet unconfirmed stockpile of nuclear warheads, decide to play the bluff by demanding that the coming summer Olympics be held in Iran in return for his country's giving up of the nuclear programme. As his country is already wrecked by economic chaos, he was also quick to add that all the cost of staging the Games be borne by all participating nations. "Based on my calculation for the costs of the Game, my demand is very reasonable. It's a small price to pay for world peace."

7. Israel agrees to relocate to northwest corner of Australia.
Wealthy members of the Organization of Islamic Countries, flushed with cash from years of lofty crude oil price of US200 per barrel, pooled together a gigantic fund to buy out Israel, thus ending decades of Middle East conflict. A piece of real estate the size and shape of present day Israel was purchased at a whopping cost of US 1 trillion dollars at the north west corner of Australia. A further 10 trillion US dollars was compensated to the Israel for the buildings, factories and all immovable assets. Each Israel citizen is to receive a further 10 million dollars, thus making the new state of Israel the richest country per capita by far in the world. The new name for the state was unanimously agreed to be Republic of Ausrael. State religion remains Judaism.

8. Queen Elizabeth swims across the English Channel.
Getting tired of people take pot shot at her health, the queen put all rumours to rest by taking the plunge into the cold waters of the English Channel. However she was clothed in a custom-made full swimming suit revealing not a square inch of flesh except her face, palms and ankles, prompting many disappointed paparazzis to turn away without even taking a shot. As a security measure, she used a tethered life-vest and had to be hauled up to her royal yacht every 30 minutes for some rest and tea. Prince Charles was conspicuously absent from the whole event as any exercise to enhance the longevity of the queen was not on his priority list. However the frail Prince Philip was on the side of the yacht to urge her on with a loud hailer held up by his grandson Prince William. The whole swim from Dover to Dunkirk took five days.

9. Stonehenge stolen. Ransom of 100 million pounds demanded.
“Rocknappers” demand 100 million pounds for the return of the massive Stonehenge rocks mysteriously hauled away during the weekend. Police are baffled as to how such massive heist can be perpetrated. Members of the Association of Witches of England were the first to condemn the heinous act and vowed to use all their powers, supernatural or otherwise, to nab the culprits. Said Marion St James, the Grand Witch “We cannot possibly conduct our rituals without the backdrop of the Stonehenge. Hence we will not leave any stone unturned to recover it.”

10. Paris Hilton marries Arab sheikh.
Paris Hilton loved the Burj al Arab so much, that after lengthy discussion and advice from her best pal and confidante, Britney Spears ("anything that sounds like my baby's burp sounds good"), decided to marry its owner Saleem al Salad. Babbling excitedly in her new burqa, Paris checks into her permanent suite at the top floor complete with swimming pool and a phalanx of servant girls. She will be throwing a house warming party soon for gang members like Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Robbie Williams, Motley Crue and anyone with body tattoos. Dress code: Strictly Burqa (Black color only).