Friday, January 18, 2008

Men! Dont read your wife's diary

There's this couple that's been married for 20 years, and she'd kept a diary stashed somewhere in the store feeding the silverfish for so long the cover's gone. One day hubby was looking for his drill bits and chanced on the journal. Blowing the dust of the book, he started reading, it got juicier and juicier. Now, if you think I'm going to give you the details, sorry. You'll just have to use your imagination.

Next thing we know, the wife crept quietly behind him and calmly tap him on the shoulder : "Whaddya think? Do you think it can be made into a blockbuster?". Startled, hubby quickly put down the book and muttered something about a career in carpentry. The conversation that ensued sounds like this:-

Startled hubby: Huh, er......hi...I was looking for my Carpentry for Dummies, what I got was this moth eaten Bible.....

Wife: Nice try. How many chapters have you read?

Hubby: This Bible? I was just about to open it, I hope its King James' Version....

Wife: Give me a break will you? I was watching you from a distance. Dont you ever respect a person's right to privacy?

Hubby: Ow, come off it, I was just pages only.

Wife: You know, you're sick.

From that day onward, the wife farts and pick her nose in his presence, burps at the table and break all the taboos on the list. What I'm trying to say here is a diary is so personal, so sacred that if someone ever reads yours, then you might as well break wind in his presence, for your soul has been already laid bare, spread-eagle for the world to ogled.

What I'm trying to portray here is that how time has changed. We write our deepest thought in a blog and invite the whole world to see! With a tremendous help from the electronic world of internet, what we see, feel, think, are all in our blog. And we want everybody in this planet to read and see that. And we like to peep into what other people have written about themselves. See, we are voyeurs and exhibitionists all at the same time, all thanks, or no thanks to blogging, whichever the case maybe for you.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Obama and Osama (part 2)

Obama's phone rang again

Osama: Salaam, brother, peace be upon you...
Obama (body goes limp, eyes roll up): What is it now?
Osama: Did you manage to get Condoleeza?
Obama: Honestly, I dont know what you see in this broad
Osama: It the gap on her front teeth, it makes me soooo horny just to look at her face....mmmuak!
Obama (shuddering with goose pimples): Look, its very dangerous to call me now, can you call after my inauguration?
Osama: Inauguration! That's why I'm calling you now, please can I come? Please?
Obama: C'mon, brother, I cant invite you, you know that!
Osama: I can shave clean, just lend me a tuxedo! I'll leave the AK47 at home.
Obama: Besides the FBI screen all guests, who are you going to pose as? Ambassador of Osamanistan?
Osama: I can slit of the guard's throat and put on his uniform.......
Obama: Okay okay whatever, let me beat Huckleberry...I mean Huckabee first.
Osama: I heard Hilary is going to sabotage you, you want me to fix her up?
Obama: No! Not now! Now don't call me again until I win okay?
Osama: Wait! Please put me sitting next to Condoleeza....
Obama (exasperated now): Geez! I'll put you next to Bush if you dont hang up now!
Osama: Okay okay! Cool it man, you're joking right? hello?
Wow, these American are all the same, black or white.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Osama and Obama

Osama bin Laden on line with Obama. "Brother, as soon as you're elected lets throw a party okay?".
Obama: Are your crazy? This phone might have been tapped!
Osama: Nah, I check already, everything is cool, my men has got the AK47 all ready
Obama: Will you get serious? If Clinton knows I'm talking to you now, I'm history! Kaput! Say goodbye to the Presidency!
Osama: Why, you can always stage a coup....
Obama: Hmmm.. but how do I do that?
Osama: Brother, leave that to me. Thousand of my suicide bombers are at my command. I just create mayhem at the White House and help you seize the CNN....
Obama: I want that broad blown to smithereen!
Osama: What's in it for me?
Obama: Hey, man, we're brothers, remember? We'll talk again later okay?
Osama: Wait, I kind of like Condoleeza, can you do something?
Obama: Look I've got to go.......
(Heavy breathing from Osama)
Obama: Alright! alright! You got her!
Osama (grinning): like, spoils of war, right?
Obama: you dirty old fox! (click)

Friday, January 4, 2008

You can't call yourself a true-blue Siburian unless.... (Part 3 of the Trilogy)

1. You own a motor bike even though you have a 4x4 and a saloon car already.

2. You throw mammoth bashes to celebrate the 50th,60th,68th,70th,80th88th,90th(gasp)100th birthday of your parents/grandparents besides the 30th, 40th 50th ........ 80th.(fill in the blank)... anniversay of their wedding.

3. You consider it is compulsory to put up congratulatory messages/advertisement on all your relatives/friends' auspicious occations, examples (by no means exhausive) are as follows:-

- 70th birthday of your supplier's (who gives you six months credit term) father-in-law, full page.

-Your uncles and aunties' (your godpa and godma) 33rd wedding anniversary..half page.

-Your bank's branch manager (who approved your million dollar loan) got promoted to area manager. full colour double centre-spread.

-You customer (whom you give credit) moves to a new bigger house. half page.

-Your mother-in-law's birthday: 1/8th page.

-Your cousin (still owe you money) opens new shop. the classified section.

4. You consider obituary as essential reading, esp business associates' condolences message, for committing the sin of not publishing condolence msg to him will land you in to his blacklist, and thats not good for your biz.

5. You study other peoples' obits like a college student doing a project on his genealogy, checking whether so-and-so is related to you and how many kids and daughter-in-laws so-and-so has and how many of his kins share your surname.

6.You are always on the lookout for money-making kangtow. Thus you join an average of one MLM per month.

7. You have so much health supplement capsules (from the MLM) you give the expired ones to your mother- in-laws.(okay,okay, I make up this one, just sit down will you?).

8.You tell everybody you have a weekend retreat villa in Sungei Meelook or Aleemah (Your grandfather's dilapidated wooden house).

9. Your kids can repeat your childhood hardship stories with all the intricate details (you know, the rubber estate, pepper farm stories) by heart.

10. When you dont want them (your teenage kids) to disturb you, you simply say "when I was at your age....." they will all scamper off.

11.You belong to 50 associations and organisations like Chinese chamber of commerce, clan asso., dialect asso. surname asso. chess asso., (honorary advisor), wushu asso. (hon. auditor), guilds, and whatever there is to join.

12. You are a member of SUPP, but a closet DAP supporter.

Disclaimer: The above has been meticulously researched and edited for
political correctness (er...except for no. 12). Any disagreement with the above must be registered within 3 days for faster response, as the writer will assume a lapse of memory thereafter.

You can't call yourself a true-blue Siburian unless.... (Part 2)

1. You begin every sentence with "Sah ni koo..."

2. You wear gold necklace and bracelet as thick as "tik lien" (iron
chain)(credit to John for reminding me).

2(a) You wear ten rings on each finger, and each stone on it is as big
as ostrich egg.

3. You wear "Umbrella" brand (Arnold Palmer) collar t-shirt with loud
colour horizontal stripes, and loose fitting "Camel" shorts (or is it
pants?) with two dozen pockets of varying sizes. You bought them at Ngiu
Kee just before Chinese New Year, and will last you till the next CNY,
meaning your buy new apparels once a year only.

4.You file all your documents (4-D slips, photostats copies of land titles,
"555" note book, utilities bills, unpaid invoices, football bets and
passport of your Indonesian maid) in your breast pocket till it bulges
like a gunny sack.

5. Your command of Bahasa sucks like a first class vacuum cleaner yet
you talk to your bumi friends/workers as if its your mother tongue.

-Wa punya boss Latok Lau, lu tidak tahu meh?

-apaaa.. lu olang kuak bising

-wa mau tengok lolok... mah

-saya sudah bayar leh!

-lu ada pee gee sana meh?

-kopi-o satu, jangan kuak manik oh!

6. Your command of Iban? suffice to say you only know one phrase:- "Aku
nak nemu...oh", which is enough to make your listener switch to the next
best avenue of communication ie your atrocious Bahasa

You can't call yourself a true-blue Siburian unless....

1. Your first stop upon arriving back in Sibu is to make a beeline for
Ang kow's kampua mee.

2. You have 60 friends with the names like Ah Nong or Ah Teh.

3. You consider sitting in coffee shop for 4 hours firing cannons with
Ah Nongs and Ah Tehs is not wasting time, but networking.

4. You sit down in a coffee shop and expect the waiter to remember you
order everytime, (it's "mien tai peng").

5. You whip out your tube of nose decongestant and stick it up your hairy
nostril, and leave it hanging there nonchalantly for all the world to see.

6. You sit cross-leg on the chair, picking your toe nails
intermittently, while waiting for your buddies to come.

7. One plate of kampua is not enough to whet your appitite (spelling?),
you have to take two plates.

7(a). For you, the best char mien (fried noodle) is the legendary Ah
Ngie's, unfortunately he'd kicked the bucket already. For you, Ah Ngie's
char mien is benchmark for all Sibu's char mien.

7(b). You can "gaaarg...ptuiiiiiii" anywhere you like, Sibu is a
spitter's paradise.

7(c). When you finish smoking, you flick the butt at a passing dog/cat

7(c) You hate Robert Lau till your gut spilt, yet you shake hand and
smile at him during election campaign.

8. Your car is parked only one spit away, even though it is blocking

9. You consider hairs growing from facial moles as sacred and never to
be trimmed.

10. You know the country phone codes of PNG, Brazil, Solomon Island, Russia and Central Africa but don't know the one for Singapore.

11. You buy "Compact" toilet rolls by the hundreds when its super
duper cheap.

11(a) You surely have one or two relative who is still staying in "sam
pah" (forest) like Sungei Meelook, or Aleemah or whatever.

12. You pack cartons of "kompia" when you go home overseas, (or even
Kuching, like me).